Random

Have you ever thought why you are doing things you do not mean to do, those that do not feel right neither in the process of doing nor when they are done? Often, those are words that leave our mouth - words that maybe we regret later... being rude, aggressive or just ignorant of people's feelings. (If you do not do any of those, maybe you can become my mentor...) Just being random and a bit separating from yourself and being a spectator in your own life. Is it a weakness... or opposite? Is it an impulsive test?
Turning upside down the whole group dynamics - can you do that? Don't you feel powerful then? Is it bad?

Just had an experience recently: it was a bit of test as well as just letting it out. A bit of stress, a bit of pressure, a bit of dissatisfaction with each other. We can be polite (or dishonest) and say all is good...or be a bit straightforward...or maybe not just a bit till the point of fingerprinting. We did just that, fingers as swards were raising in the airs in opposite from us direction. It was childish... it was destructive, and all in all I knew it should not be done. It was a bit of masochistic approach - how low can we fall? How painful the experience can be? And at the same time knowing that at any point in time you can stop it. Power, ha?

Seating at the session after sleepless night at the international conference in Brazil, listening and falling out of communicated message... peaking up my own thoughts line. It is not too straight, more curvy. Was thinking a lot recently about communication, interpretation.
Some thoughts just are not leaving anymore, tired of coming back anyway...
What is my purpose? Do I have it? how do I know I do (not)? How do I deal with s ocial conditioning? What if ambitions do not support passions? How to learn to read yourself? How do you know you are passionate? How do you know it is time to leave if not?

Do you know the answers? Do you have same questions? Do you bother to think?

Do you know that in best case scenario you have 60 years left (if you are same age as me)? Do you know that with every passing day you have less? Do you know that each day is a small projection of your life? Can you see what your life is like? Are you happy?

El Rio

Rio, a place to be…vivid, noisy and just very nice and homey. Sunny and welcoming even in winter stretches it’s innumerous beaches for thousands visitors... half naked tanned bodies on the sand or jumping in the waves or sliding on the surfing boards, jogging, walking, building sand castles, drinking coco juice, practicing aikido... having fun… just living…

Skyscrapers shadowing the sidewalks, corner fresh juice stalls, tall palm trees, monuments to famous and dead with infamous and alive sleeping at their feet… restaurant’s smells in the air… street fairs with valleys of cute paintings and all kinds of objects to spend money on. Sugar Loaf on one side, Christ stretching his hands on the other…both good places to catch a view of the wide spread city… especially in the dusk with all the lights promising an intense night…

Nightlife spilling out of the bars onto the streets, people shaking their bodies, drinking, talking on the sidewalks, life music, and couples skillfully dancing salsa… midnight dinners, kids not yet sleeping…boiling life everywhere.

Mornings are tight close to nights; days go by rapidly…carelessly… but it’s time to live this sandy paradise and small comfy hostel downtown, with a huge scary butterfly on the ceiling…

and tourists, coming for the Christ’s sake and the one of Girl from Ipanema that Jobim made immortal…

Outloud in Brazil

What has the next minute got for you… are you asking this question sometimes? Maybe you are too deep into the past… thinking over and over what had happened and why. There is a good chance you are missing new experiences then and something exciting is not becoming your reality, not adding to your past. It’s almost as watching the same movie over and over again and missing all the rest offered.

Happens to me, walking down streets wherever I am, watching people coming towards, thinking...what are they? Maybe they have an answer to my questions, maybe they have right questions... we walk past not being parts of each others lives. But happens also you stop, make and eye contact and this is a connection for life or part of it...

...sometime ago in New York... Just happened to be alone in China town, was suspiciously inspecting my plate before trying, sensed a body landing next to me on the bar chair... ended up learning much about his life struggles, getting some lessons and advices as well as exploring the area, better than I could have ever done on my own... unexpected learning experience ...

...couple of days ago at the restaurant in Buenos Aires...my camera run out of batteries. I was on the way to the most photographed district in the city and was blaming myself for not charging the camera the night before. I had a thought while chewing on mesila that the restaurant might have foreigners with Cannon camera on them...and the charger for some reason brought along... it does not seem to be very realistic but I had nothing to loose, so I turned to the person at the next table and asked if he had a camera...Yes, he said. Cannon?...Yes... Charger?...Yes... My friends´ faces were completely blank...not knowing what was going on, I felt they would prefer not to be a part of my table at the moment... so I went on with explanations about unfortunate death of my batteries... Conversation went quite beyond taking pictures... we talked about life and careers, social conditioning and making decisions, pursuing dreams and...just happiness... It was very nutritious lunch I thought(for brain and soul at least, since my potatoes were fried anyway... ) walking out the place... and it did not matter much that I could not charge my batteries, since the cameras happened to be of different model at the end... there are plenty of pictures on flickr... and so much less people opening up just like that... to straightforward questions...

...today in Sao Paulo, missed the metro station, was walking back looking around for some place ... stopped to ask for directions...Spanish works better from my experience... nice female face, happened to be an actress... studying and working... we happened to walk together for next three hours, talking about everything, me - in broken Spanish, her - on perfect Portuguese that I am yet to learn... her boyfriend happened to be near by, he happened to have Russian grand parents and happened to be a friend of Abramovich... well, could I have asked someone else... and walked away with just directions, missing sharing and maybe friendship?

Look around, who is standing next to you?... maybe someone who has answers to your questions, or just right questions to ask.

SFO

I could not get here first...and now I cannot leave.
I have one more day to explore this diverse and very caprice city fading out of fog from time to time to show its beauty and falling back again into white thick mystery.
Summer feels cold here. But it seems nobody minds, human flesh is still exposed in skirts and T-shirts, leaving me bewildered shivering in 4 layers...

It feels so different everywhere you go... Financial district comforting cradle for ambitious souls, lean figures clutching coffee cups, hurrying to make an extra million...

there is an interesting juxtaposition of Chinese district - busy and overcrowded... noise, food smells, people ... smaller aspirations, harder work...

It's a place for all pockets, with houses overseeing the bay and Golden Gate Bridge where you could fit the whole Icelandic nation to narrow but still proud houses, erect and wearing unique color... rows and whole districts of those add to the impression of city as a Christmas tree with colorful garlands of houses and spangle of Golden Gate and Bay...


Freedom... it shows here quite a lot in most unexpected corners... bum making a show behind the bushes (surprising is - people stop to watch), unpredictable clothes choice - just take subway to get lessons of fashion... people talking to you all of a sudden, people talking to themselves or not talking when you ask...

It's a place with ideas, most of them quite mediocre, but some make you stop in awe for intricate work of human mind.

It's like a person... which you tend to admire most of the time... but then you discover parts that you'd rather not have seen(Richmond and Dolores)... you learn to like the whole character though, excusing deviations from perfectness...

The Marathon

It was very dark, just a slight beam from the cell phone screen on the desk. 4:39 … ok I better get up.
I dressed, stretched and packed silently. It’s Marathon today… exciting.
I was on the embankment just in time to join my wave. People stretching, talking, shivering on the morning breeze. We moved towards start line, cheering voice from the speakers wishing us luck…
Running, hundreds of people clustered on the road, adjusting to their speed, maneuvering in between, heading forward. Curious, looking around, diverse buildings, the bay, random people… It came unexpected, the view on the bridge… red and tall in the fog. That’s the aim, that’s future – many miles still to cover, but I will be there.
The further you go less crowded it gets… but then you join those that started earlier, then you go ahead and all repeats… such an analogy of success…growth, isn’t it?
There were cheering places along the track, friends and relatives… holding the signs and clapping… support is needed whatever strength you claim to have, whatever you do…there was someone cheering for me… there were many more that could not come, from Russia and Iceland… that I knew would wish ,me good and feel a bit proud. “You rock!” I saw the sign… I actually do, I thought, light and steady, smiling towards the crowd coming back over the bridge.


It was a break through… I am sure not just for me. Break through the limits, made by the patterns of thoughts… the mind prison was shaking, walls collapsing under new decisions being made on the move… no fear, just action for now and for the future.
…Speeding up towards the finish line… leaving all the miles behind, forgetting the tiredness…music and people embrace me…it’s over… I did it, I feel I could cry, I choose not to and smile instead… celebrating small victory over self... looking forward to many more to come.

Money and heat...

..and you never know if it is good or bad when something unexpected happens…
well, say your flight gets delayed… like mine yesterday…I knew I missed my connection flight in Las Vegas, after 3 hours of delay in Atlanta… my plans were burning with every word of indifferent flight attendant, that was making new itinerary that sounded too complicated . I did not want to fly to Phoenix and then to San Diego and then… not sure where else… So I proposed my version – just take same flight tomorrow and stay in Las Vegas for a day… easy. I have never been to Las Vegas before and was not particularly planning a visit, but it did sound as an attractive option.
I touched the pillow at 5 in the morning the time my body got used to over this month… I was staying in the hotel across the Strip – Las Vegas Boulevard that holds all its treasure – casinos!
The sight of the hotels and casinos opens right from the airport… so I guess visitors hit the ground running…to meet their hopes for attracting easy money.
Well, I do not believe in easy money, but I believe in value of experience. I would not be able to explain this to my parents maybe… so I would not be talking much of playing in New York New York or MGM to them when sharing the experience of the city. (You play small, win small and lose small… you lose until you hit initial investment and stop… then you are good – you are even… and you have control…)
But I would tell them how artificial those billion dollar hotels and casinos are…some holding shark aquariums some small zoos to attract more and more people… more and more money… they lose their identity on the gambling side. It’s just people spread around machines and poker tables… with hunger in their eyes and hope in their souls… Greek columns and statues in “Caesar”, imitation of NYC streets in “NYNY”, French style in “Paris”… but on the playing carpet they all have the same face… the green one with $ sign.

So… I was saying, there is no point of getting frustrated if something goes wrong. It might seem wrong for the moment but we never know what it will result to be in the future. Maybe it will happen to be the greatest adventure, maybe not… but until then no frustration.
Btw, I reached my destination a day later, experiencing all the pleasures of the first class.

Night struggles

Once again, airport.

People all around…noisy to the point when it does not matter anymore... Take your shoes off.. Russian? ah – let me look your passport through…longer than others’, much longer…
It’s stormy, flight was delayed. Making myself comfortable on a chair next to the window. Am I sad? no… you can’t control the weather…my connection flight might be lost, but I will figure something out, or someone will for me.
Listening to Tom Waits…lightning is making its appearance through the window, not worse than laser show in Stone Mountain Park.
It’s my vacation. Starts right now…or not, seems like delay is even longer. Well, it was my choice of flight and as all the choices the outcome is never predictable. What is positive in this? Time – I got some time off routine… Think of it, how often do you get this forced privacy with yourself, when you can’t run away… when you forced to think… well, I see quite many of those moments in a few months to come, but in general there is always escape… in TV, msn, phone…
Lazy thoughts start crawling in my head… did I learn something? How do I know if I did? How did I use this time? It’s part of overall experience…does it make a nice piece in the big picture?
Questions, questions without answers. Someone has to help, I am no good in answering questions…
I am always asking though…asking everybody – taxi drivers, co-workers, co-joggers, everybody open for a talk… and they answer, straight and honest – why do they answer? They think out loud, I guess, taken out of their usual pattern of small talk.
What do I ask, something I cannot answer, something that fascinates me … relationship, career, motivation – what makes you wake up and carry on every day? What makes you happy? What do you think and do not think about? Do you actually think what you think you think? Or you just say it, because it sounds nice?
I do not joke… I just have questions… jokes have answers, or at least they do not have questions…
There is someone that looks like Tony Robbins… he was my friend for this month (I was listening to him every morning while jogging), learning and changing… getting disappointed and reestablishing balance.
Well, I guess I have to do something about my tickets, that 1 mile line does not particularly excite me, but then not everything in life is exciting… besides I have a book to kill the distance. And what a book!!! If you have carried alone to this point of my aimless typewriting practice, you would like it as well…
Honestly surprised by my calmness and indifference, I am joining the crowd… being 47 in the line for the plane that leaves in 10 minutes.